I looked into the bears eyes and he looked into mine. I watched that wet truffle nose searching out my smells just outside the car windscreen, and I thought, hello bear, I'm glad I'm in the car.
        

This is what happens when I step outside in Canada; flashbacks, freak-outs and this:

It started when we were coming into land. I could see Canada; the sea, the mountains, the rivers and the trees - a whole world of trees. I could see the place where my sister lived and loved, and had just given birth to my glorious niece. 
        It was actually happening. 
        I pressed my forehead against the airplane window. I could remember that first shaky bus trip. I'd pressed my forehead into the back of the seat to steady myself against the memory of pain ringing through my bum.  Every flashback, every adventure, every new memory; it had all been for this. I was stepping out. And I was trying really hard not to throw up on my new friend Bill.

I made it, I made it, I made it. And I didn't freak out; not completely anyway. I had unfortunate wind for the last couple of hours of the flight, but Bill, my flight buddy, lost his sense of smell in his seventies so it was OK. The down side of this was he was unaware of his bad breath, so I fed him aniseed twists for nine hours and we were fine.

Oh dear, the flashbacks have kicked in. Four days to go. Yesterday was pretty bad. I'd been packing all afternoon and then my house didn't feel like my house anymore. I was looking at my black angle poise lamp thinking that's my black anglepoise lamp, I'm home, but in my body just plain gut twisted terror.  
         I'm fearing the flashbacks again. Just like I did when I was a hermit. It's hard not to when they're as bad as that. I'm afraid of what's going to come up. But, and this is a big BUT, it's all in my head.  The danger isn't real. It's all in my head. I'm safe. I've written that on my hand. 

My Tai Chi instructor does shiatsu massage. Sounded like a great challenge, having a man massage me. 
         I was nervous, dreading it, feeling very vulnerable especially as I lay down, but I wanted it to happen and it didn't involve being naked or anything. (Apparently if they ask you to undress that's a sign that they're dodgy shiatsu people). 
           I relaxed into it. Lots of gentle rubbing, finger stroking, all nice and then he started pummeling my shoulders with his feet. I sniffed a little. They didn't smell. There wasn't much to say. I lay there and grinned.

Why should I go to Canada when it feels like I'm about to die horribly?
Well... for lots of very good reasons. Most importantly, for my future freedom and loveliness.

I have two dates. I'm not sure how it happened but it has, and it's happening tonight and tomorrow. Two different men; one tall, one short, both nice. Oh God. The tally of mad notions has begun:

No. 1) I'm going to die.
No.2)What do they want? (This in a kind of sod off tone)
And No.3)They want me. This idea was quite a surprise.

I'm doing EMDR and I've got through the major shakes and some mild non-epileptic seizures. I'm feeling a bit scared and excited but I'm OK. So I'm doing it. I'm off. Ooo this is mad.

One day, one glorious day, my panic attacks stopped. I didn't plan it, it just happened. 
        I was frying little cubes of parsnips. I didn't know they were miracle parsnips, I only knew I was cooking lunch. Suddenly I was freakishly scared. I was terrified of these little cubes, my whole body was shaking. Then the miracle happened. I looked at the feeling and looked at the parsnips and thought, hold on a minute, I'm not afraid of parsnips, this is something else.