One day, one glorious day, my panic attacks stopped. I didn't plan it, it just happened.
I was frying little cubes of parsnips. I didn't know they were miracle parsnips, I only knew I was cooking lunch. Suddenly I was freakishly scared. I was terrified of these little cubes, my whole body was shaking. Then the miracle happened. I looked at the feeling and looked at the parsnips and thought, hold on a minute, I'm not afraid of parsnips, this is something else.
I was frying little cubes of parsnips. I didn't know they were miracle parsnips, I only knew I was cooking lunch. Suddenly I was freakishly scared. I was terrified of these little cubes, my whole body was shaking. Then the miracle happened. I looked at the feeling and looked at the parsnips and thought, hold on a minute, I'm not afraid of parsnips, this is something else.
This was the first time I was able to look at a feeling and make any kind of rational judgement beyond these parsnips are terrifying or parsnips give me panic attacks. Never cook parsnips. It's possible to see the pattern. I was avoiding triggers, before I knew what triggers were or that I was having flashbacks.
What happened next was even more miraculous. I kept frying parsnips and focused on the feeling. I felt a choir of jarring sounds - terrible fear growing and hurting and screaming as I gently moved parsnips around in the pan. I didn't think I could bare it, my brain was looking for a window to leap out of. And then it peaked and lessened and I could breathe again and think and listen and the birds were chirping outside and the train rattling in the distance and I was in my kitchen moving miracle parsnips around a pan.
Up until that moment I had panic attacks nearly every day, I've not had one since. That was five years ago.
So what had I been doing that allowed these miracle parsnips into my life? Meditation.
Meditation is a way of observing my own thoughts and feelings and relaxing around them. So I can be angry as hell but also relaxed and watching the feelings move through me and away. This is how I do it, but there are a million and one ways:
1) I listen to one sound. Really focus on it and I become aware of everything happening around me, and inside me. I'm in the moment. This is called being mindful or mindfulness.
2) My mind wonders, I start thinking about peas for dinner and I realise my mind is wondering. I focus on a sound and return to the moment.
That's it. The hard part is doing it regularly and for a length of time. Some times it's impossible to sit still and I walk and meditate; I do tai chi and meditate, I do yoga and meditate. I've also started meditating with a buddhist group (one of my going outside challenges) where I focus on the sounds of people's tummy rumblings.
It's relaxing and it's an amazing escape from all the mad thoughts that can buzz around. Having breaks like this also mean those thoughts that felt so believable, especially negative ideas about being generally rubbish become exactly what they are, they're just thoughts.
So when I'm doing a challenge, like going to my tai chi class and I've got flashbacks roaming round my body because I'm so scared to make a mistake. I'm not hiding away, I'm not fighting the feeling I'm not arguing with myself, I'm listening to a sound - I'm mindful. Part of me is freaking out and part of me knows I'm not in danger. I'm both rational and scared, mother and child, myself now and the flashback. I go along with the taoists. I am my inner nature - untouched, wild, wise and lovely - and my monkey mind, chattering and blathering around it.
I love parsnips.
What happened next was even more miraculous. I kept frying parsnips and focused on the feeling. I felt a choir of jarring sounds - terrible fear growing and hurting and screaming as I gently moved parsnips around in the pan. I didn't think I could bare it, my brain was looking for a window to leap out of. And then it peaked and lessened and I could breathe again and think and listen and the birds were chirping outside and the train rattling in the distance and I was in my kitchen moving miracle parsnips around a pan.
Up until that moment I had panic attacks nearly every day, I've not had one since. That was five years ago.
So what had I been doing that allowed these miracle parsnips into my life? Meditation.
Meditation is a way of observing my own thoughts and feelings and relaxing around them. So I can be angry as hell but also relaxed and watching the feelings move through me and away. This is how I do it, but there are a million and one ways:
1) I listen to one sound. Really focus on it and I become aware of everything happening around me, and inside me. I'm in the moment. This is called being mindful or mindfulness.
2) My mind wonders, I start thinking about peas for dinner and I realise my mind is wondering. I focus on a sound and return to the moment.
That's it. The hard part is doing it regularly and for a length of time. Some times it's impossible to sit still and I walk and meditate; I do tai chi and meditate, I do yoga and meditate. I've also started meditating with a buddhist group (one of my going outside challenges) where I focus on the sounds of people's tummy rumblings.
It's relaxing and it's an amazing escape from all the mad thoughts that can buzz around. Having breaks like this also mean those thoughts that felt so believable, especially negative ideas about being generally rubbish become exactly what they are, they're just thoughts.
So when I'm doing a challenge, like going to my tai chi class and I've got flashbacks roaming round my body because I'm so scared to make a mistake. I'm not hiding away, I'm not fighting the feeling I'm not arguing with myself, I'm listening to a sound - I'm mindful. Part of me is freaking out and part of me knows I'm not in danger. I'm both rational and scared, mother and child, myself now and the flashback. I go along with the taoists. I am my inner nature - untouched, wild, wise and lovely - and my monkey mind, chattering and blathering around it.
I love parsnips.
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