My second date, tonight. Oh my goodness. The pieces are finally falling into place. Not just with romantic situations, but all situations with men and so many confusing and conflicting thoughts and feelings. It's really starting to make sense. But more importantly. I did it. I flipping did it again.
He brought tea and biscuits. We stood out of the wind and drank hot tea and I didn't eat biscuits but what a lovely thought. I was being wooed.
The surprise of the night although it shouldn't have been a surprise was that it was easier. Much easier. I had flashbacks but no where near as strong as yesterday. I also got a better sense of what was happening.
I get flashbacks when I'm dealing with most men, but especially men with some authority, like teachers. They involve flashes of sex or rape and putting the man I'm about to meet into that role. This is very confusing. I'm drawn to some men very strongly. Do I fancy all these men? But then I know how it feels to fall in love with someone and it's not that. Am I obsessed with sex?
Then while peering at a very raggedy looking plant I had a proper light bulb moment. It had never occurred to me that I would yearn for real friendships just as much as I would yearn for a lover. That's exactly how I felt on my date. He was so interesting and funny and we had loads in common, but I didn't fancy him; even if he did bring spiced mint tea. He was shivering too - stood there in his thin little jacket. Poor guy.
Arriving home, I felt very still and quiet. It felt like I was watching all these leaves floating into place each carrying a little bit of understanding. I'm drawn to people I want to connect with, it's that simple. The rest is noise. I can't wait to see how it will be now. Does this mean I will finally let men into my life? I hope so.
The surprise of the night although it shouldn't have been a surprise was that it was easier. Much easier. I had flashbacks but no where near as strong as yesterday. I also got a better sense of what was happening.
I get flashbacks when I'm dealing with most men, but especially men with some authority, like teachers. They involve flashes of sex or rape and putting the man I'm about to meet into that role. This is very confusing. I'm drawn to some men very strongly. Do I fancy all these men? But then I know how it feels to fall in love with someone and it's not that. Am I obsessed with sex?
Then while peering at a very raggedy looking plant I had a proper light bulb moment. It had never occurred to me that I would yearn for real friendships just as much as I would yearn for a lover. That's exactly how I felt on my date. He was so interesting and funny and we had loads in common, but I didn't fancy him; even if he did bring spiced mint tea. He was shivering too - stood there in his thin little jacket. Poor guy.
Arriving home, I felt very still and quiet. It felt like I was watching all these leaves floating into place each carrying a little bit of understanding. I'm drawn to people I want to connect with, it's that simple. The rest is noise. I can't wait to see how it will be now. Does this mean I will finally let men into my life? I hope so.
RSS Feed