I made it, I made it, I made it. And I didn't freak out; not completely anyway. I had unfortunate wind for the last couple of hours of the flight, but Bill, my flight buddy, lost his sense of smell in his seventies so it was OK. The down side of this was he was unaware of his bad breath, so I fed him aniseed twists for nine hours and we were fine.
I was afraid, I was really afraid, every step was a new place, a new experience. I was a viking with one foot in my boat; ready to set out to sea - the great unknown - waiting for the monsters, but again and again I was forced to ask myself, what was I so afraid of, it was men wasn't it?
In fact the scariest people I met were women.
'Mumble mumble rhubarb,' the lady in the suit said. I nodded and smiled and wandered on. 'Step aside for a search,' she shouted. She then stroked me all over. Her face was very stern, I don't think she enjoyed it at all.
On the plane. Across the isle from Bill was a pale haired, round and cold old woman. It wasn't what she said exactly, she just had this terrible tone, like every thought and movement expressed a stale kind of bitter hatred for life. Bill had to edge past her when he was first finding his seat beside me.
'It'll be over soon,' he said to her.
'Will it?' she said.
'Yes,' he said and tried to speed away on his creaking hips.
'Cor, there are some misery guts over there,' he told me.
'I know,' I whispered. 'She scares me.'
When it was time to disembark I found her stood behind her husband. He was behind a long line of people getting their hand luggage and she was kneeing him in the back of the legs.
'You go ahead Barbera,' he said. 'If it's so important?'
'No,' she said. 'I just can't bare watching you wait.'
I was lucky I got Bill. Within a few minutes of sitting down he asked if I could reach his book from the pouch in front of us. I could, of course, I'm a giant.
'You have incredibly long arms,' he said. 'Do they drag on the floor when you walk?'
'No,' I said. 'I have legs and a body to keep them up.'
Then I saw the book he wanted was by Spike Milligan and I knew we were going to be fine.
The first few hours of the flight was all nattering. At one point our chat turned to the war and a grave and a daughter laying fresh flowers and he was in tears.
'Young men don't cry,' he said. 'But as you get older they come easier and easier.'
We talked about love and life and everything. He was a runner once, a cyclist, a police man, a husband, a widower, and a husband again. He couldn't sit with his wife, Alfie, they had booked their seats too late and I couldn't swap because of my incredibly giant legs.
She was Austrian, Alfie. 'They must do their exercises,' she said on one of her visits. 'And they have the chair back and they smell of fat people smell. I cannot sleep, but hey.'
Bill would visit her every half hour or so and she would visit him and they would lean in close to hear each other and hold each other's hands.
'I can't read,' she said. 'I read three pages and it is all jokes about age. It is for pea brains.'
Bill laughed. 'I really liked that book.'
'Then you're a pea brain.' They both laughed.
Later Bill told me how Alfie had hid in the forest with the other young girls as Germany was losing the war. The idea was to hide from the Russians and try and get to the British forces who were also gaining territory against the German's. Alfie came out of the forest but she and many of her friends found themselves on the wrong side of the river, with the Russians. Fearing rape they waded into the water determined to reach the British forces on the other side. 'Course the Russians were shooting at em,' Bill said. 'Alfie got hit in the leg. Most of em died. But she made it. She was OK.'
I didn't complain about my sore toe.
We also played guess the country. It involved guessing which country we were flying over. Bill said the North Pole many times and then we'd ask the lady butlers to ask the captain where we were. It was usually Iceland or Greenland. And there were iceburgs which he decided was foam. They were definitely iceburgs.
The mountains were incredible as we approached Vancouver. 'They're definitely not foam,' I said to Bill as I pointed out the window. He leaned over and nodded.
When it was time to say goodbye, he said, 'You know I was asleep and you was asleep.'
'Yes,' I said, panicking suddenly.
'You go tell your sister you just slept with an old man called Bill.'
We laughed.
'Good job you got a sense of humour,' he said and wobbled off to find Alfie.
What was I so afraid of again?
In fact the scariest people I met were women.
'Mumble mumble rhubarb,' the lady in the suit said. I nodded and smiled and wandered on. 'Step aside for a search,' she shouted. She then stroked me all over. Her face was very stern, I don't think she enjoyed it at all.
On the plane. Across the isle from Bill was a pale haired, round and cold old woman. It wasn't what she said exactly, she just had this terrible tone, like every thought and movement expressed a stale kind of bitter hatred for life. Bill had to edge past her when he was first finding his seat beside me.
'It'll be over soon,' he said to her.
'Will it?' she said.
'Yes,' he said and tried to speed away on his creaking hips.
'Cor, there are some misery guts over there,' he told me.
'I know,' I whispered. 'She scares me.'
When it was time to disembark I found her stood behind her husband. He was behind a long line of people getting their hand luggage and she was kneeing him in the back of the legs.
'You go ahead Barbera,' he said. 'If it's so important?'
'No,' she said. 'I just can't bare watching you wait.'
I was lucky I got Bill. Within a few minutes of sitting down he asked if I could reach his book from the pouch in front of us. I could, of course, I'm a giant.
'You have incredibly long arms,' he said. 'Do they drag on the floor when you walk?'
'No,' I said. 'I have legs and a body to keep them up.'
Then I saw the book he wanted was by Spike Milligan and I knew we were going to be fine.
The first few hours of the flight was all nattering. At one point our chat turned to the war and a grave and a daughter laying fresh flowers and he was in tears.
'Young men don't cry,' he said. 'But as you get older they come easier and easier.'
We talked about love and life and everything. He was a runner once, a cyclist, a police man, a husband, a widower, and a husband again. He couldn't sit with his wife, Alfie, they had booked their seats too late and I couldn't swap because of my incredibly giant legs.
She was Austrian, Alfie. 'They must do their exercises,' she said on one of her visits. 'And they have the chair back and they smell of fat people smell. I cannot sleep, but hey.'
Bill would visit her every half hour or so and she would visit him and they would lean in close to hear each other and hold each other's hands.
'I can't read,' she said. 'I read three pages and it is all jokes about age. It is for pea brains.'
Bill laughed. 'I really liked that book.'
'Then you're a pea brain.' They both laughed.
Later Bill told me how Alfie had hid in the forest with the other young girls as Germany was losing the war. The idea was to hide from the Russians and try and get to the British forces who were also gaining territory against the German's. Alfie came out of the forest but she and many of her friends found themselves on the wrong side of the river, with the Russians. Fearing rape they waded into the water determined to reach the British forces on the other side. 'Course the Russians were shooting at em,' Bill said. 'Alfie got hit in the leg. Most of em died. But she made it. She was OK.'
I didn't complain about my sore toe.
We also played guess the country. It involved guessing which country we were flying over. Bill said the North Pole many times and then we'd ask the lady butlers to ask the captain where we were. It was usually Iceland or Greenland. And there were iceburgs which he decided was foam. They were definitely iceburgs.
The mountains were incredible as we approached Vancouver. 'They're definitely not foam,' I said to Bill as I pointed out the window. He leaned over and nodded.
When it was time to say goodbye, he said, 'You know I was asleep and you was asleep.'
'Yes,' I said, panicking suddenly.
'You go tell your sister you just slept with an old man called Bill.'
We laughed.
'Good job you got a sense of humour,' he said and wobbled off to find Alfie.
What was I so afraid of again?
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