Oh dear, the flashbacks have kicked in. Four days to go. Yesterday was pretty bad. I'd been packing all afternoon and then my house didn't feel like my house anymore. I was looking at my black angle poise lamp thinking that's my black anglepoise lamp, I'm home, but in my body just plain gut twisted terror.
I'm fearing the flashbacks again. Just like I did when I was a hermit. It's hard not to when they're as bad as that. I'm afraid of what's going to come up. But, and this is a big BUT, it's all in my head. The danger isn't real. It's all in my head. I'm safe. I've written that on my hand.
I'm fearing the flashbacks again. Just like I did when I was a hermit. It's hard not to when they're as bad as that. I'm afraid of what's going to come up. But, and this is a big BUT, it's all in my head. The danger isn't real. It's all in my head. I'm safe. I've written that on my hand.
EMDR took me through memories. I did two sessions. The first sort of took me so far, the second had me twisting and crying. Afterwards I flung my body around to remind myself I was here. Doing a bit of body popping with my arms sent a pretty cool message - I'm here, I'm body popping, I'm not five - then I went and got a cuddle off my brother. It's important not to go through these things alone, that's what happened before.
The aftermath is pretty strange, I'm fighting a spongy feeling. The world is fluff and I don't know what's happening, except I can push myself out of it and stay on track, one foot in front of the other, one more thing for the suitcase, some ginger from the shop, maybe some fake vegan cheese. I'm getting there. I knew this would bring stuff up and here it is, ready to change, ready to get better. Already, pushing through the fluff is a new ability. I can do this. I'm gonna go see my sister.
The aftermath is pretty strange, I'm fighting a spongy feeling. The world is fluff and I don't know what's happening, except I can push myself out of it and stay on track, one foot in front of the other, one more thing for the suitcase, some ginger from the shop, maybe some fake vegan cheese. I'm getting there. I knew this would bring stuff up and here it is, ready to change, ready to get better. Already, pushing through the fluff is a new ability. I can do this. I'm gonna go see my sister.
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