It's tough. So tough sometimes I have to shout, 'Come on you lion!' Flashbacks come in bits and pieces; a pain in my side, spasms in my tum that have me juddering in a little ball, a wet sound that has me sobbing into my rice pudding, or just a wrong smell that flavours my banana and the water I swig afterwards to wash it away.
All the senses hold memories and they hardly ever make sense. Of course I avoided them, they hurt like hell. But what if stepping outside the front door is a trigger? What if doing new things is a trigger? Avoiding triggers can make a person a hermit.
But, and this is a big BUT, there is another way.
All the senses hold memories and they hardly ever make sense. Of course I avoided them, they hurt like hell. But what if stepping outside the front door is a trigger? What if doing new things is a trigger? Avoiding triggers can make a person a hermit.
But, and this is a big BUT, there is another way.
If I can consciously focus on that pain or that smell or that juddering through my body (these are called non-epileptic seizures) and see that memory through to the end, they can change; they can get better. Simple huh? Well not quite.
When I look a flashback square in the face it gets stronger and if I'm feeling like the top of my head's gonna fly off with fear, the last thing I want to do is make it feel worse. And that's the rub. I make it worse for a little while to make it weaker the next time it comes. I do it again and again until the flashbacks pass through my brain like disinterested tourists fiddling with their cameras. I can enjoy the gooey creamy loveliness of my rice pudding and wave as I watch them go. It's sort of simple.
Not every method is right for everyone, I had to try all sorts of things to find out what helped. This is what works for me:
1)Meditation - this can take several forms, I do tai chi and sitting meditation (there are just some flashbacks that are impossible to sit still with). Regular practice in observing my own thoughts and relaxing around a flashback helps me recognise a flashback when it comes and take a step back. I feel it, but I don't believe it.
2)EMDR - EMDR from somebody properly trained gives me control over the flashbacks and speeds up the process.
3)Talking - Professional help from a therapist I trust to help me make sense of what I'm feeling and remind me where I am, because it's confusing as hell.
4)Hugs - Someone or something (I have my brother and my dog) to hug and to remind me regularly that I'm a freaking superhero to get through it.
When I face them, I do whatever I want, no matter what flashbacks come. The world gets bigger and I get happier. So rahhhhhhh to flashbacks. Hear me roooaaaaarrrrr.
When I look a flashback square in the face it gets stronger and if I'm feeling like the top of my head's gonna fly off with fear, the last thing I want to do is make it feel worse. And that's the rub. I make it worse for a little while to make it weaker the next time it comes. I do it again and again until the flashbacks pass through my brain like disinterested tourists fiddling with their cameras. I can enjoy the gooey creamy loveliness of my rice pudding and wave as I watch them go. It's sort of simple.
Not every method is right for everyone, I had to try all sorts of things to find out what helped. This is what works for me:
1)Meditation - this can take several forms, I do tai chi and sitting meditation (there are just some flashbacks that are impossible to sit still with). Regular practice in observing my own thoughts and relaxing around a flashback helps me recognise a flashback when it comes and take a step back. I feel it, but I don't believe it.
2)EMDR - EMDR from somebody properly trained gives me control over the flashbacks and speeds up the process.
3)Talking - Professional help from a therapist I trust to help me make sense of what I'm feeling and remind me where I am, because it's confusing as hell.
4)Hugs - Someone or something (I have my brother and my dog) to hug and to remind me regularly that I'm a freaking superhero to get through it.
When I face them, I do whatever I want, no matter what flashbacks come. The world gets bigger and I get happier. So rahhhhhhh to flashbacks. Hear me roooaaaaarrrrr.
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